Urban Dictionary

Urban Heat (n):    the state of an individual’s body perceived as having or generating a relatively high degree of warmth.

Or the state of the city of London as soon as temperatures reach the early twenties in Celsius.

Don't freak out, please, this is August, not May or June

Let us be clear about a simple fact: heat is not just an urban phenomenon. Countryside-dwelling folk experience it too. Seaside residents also get to have their share of pleasant, warm weather. But those living in metropolises get to see a completely different mise en scène as soon as the first signs of summer arrive.

As Exhibit A, Urban Dictionary brings you the temperatures that swept through the Big Smoke in recent days. Although “swept through” is the wrong phrase here. It was more like they landed gently on the delicate skin of the denizens of London. However, the reaction was, as it usually is, the same as in previous years. A Miami-like state of mind takes over and for the next few days for as long as the temperatures remain hovering above the early 20s, people go about their business as if they lived in Florida and not in Barnet.

The most conspicuous sign of urban heat is the sudden appearance of convertibles all over the city. The welcome presence of sunshine provides the perfect background for rolling that roof down, turning up the volume of the music and driving around in one’s undies. Or similar. This is the Florida effect Urban Dictionary most dislikes. Once it is July and August there are more reasons to let it all hang out, but in bloody, still-freezing May? Or early June with its torrential downpours whose aftermath usually leaves a fresh breeze behind chilling your you-know-whats? No, sorry, count Urban Dictionary out of that.

At the same time Urban Dictionary feels sympathy somewhat for those early-summer urban-heaters. It sees them trying to speed up around streets that are not suitable for speed. It joins them in their despair and disappointment. Therein lies the irony. This is London, what did you expect? Of course you’re bound to feel frustrated, urban-heater. You get the engine of your convertible nicely going, letting everyone in the vicinity know what type of car you are driving. You accelerate to the T-junction, turn right and off you go… until you get to the first set of traffic lights two-hundred yards hence. Then, you have to turn left, go around a bend, come to another T-junction, turn right on to a one-way road and just when you are about to accelerate you are hit by a sign saying that the maximum speed limit is 20mph. I do not expect you to respect it, after all, you never do, but I can see your frustration and your line of thought: if only I were in Miami or California or somewhere similar, a long, open motorway ahead of me, sun-kissed by round-the-year warm weather, then, I would be justified in wearing my denim cut-offs and vest, left hand resting nicely on the car window and right hand on the steering wheel. Ahh, bliss! But then, reality strikes: another set of traffic lights, followed by another one-way system.

The phenomenon of urban heat is contrary to the way London works. Even in suburbia you still get a very convoluted street layout. A-roads are the urban-heater’s best bet but the speed is usually limited to 50mph.

Still, 50mph is enough for you to rest your right arm on the car window and leave your left one on the steering wheel. Lean back and allow yourself to think you are in Miami or somewhere in California. Until you reach the next set of traffic lights or the sun goes in hiding. Then, you will probably wonder why on earth you left your hooded jumper/stretcher at home. After all, it is only May or June.

© 2015

Next Post: “Saturday Evenings: Stay In, Sit Up and Switch On”, to be published on Saturday 13^th June at 6pm (GMT)

Urban Dictionary

Election (n):         1. the selection of a person or persons for office by vote.
                             2. a public vote upon a proposition submitted.
                             3. the act of electing.

“Election” also rhymes with “erection” as Tom Waits reminds us in Step Right Up (“it gives you an erection, it wins the election”) and if you think Urban Dictionary is going too far it will bring you back to earth with imagery that might spoil your dinner, should you be reading this post whilst having your nosh. This election began as an earnest affair but lately it has descended into a ba(w)d(y) political version of a Carry On movie.  What with the "hung" parliament they keep threatening us with. How "well hung" it will be, it's better not to ponder about. Just think of incumbent Number 10 tenant David Cameron getting hot under the collar a few days ago and dropping a few “bloody this” and “bloody that”. Geezer’s getting excited; maybe he will bring some special “magazines” with him on polling day to keep his energy levels “up” when he goes behind the curtain. Opposition leader, Ed Milliband, has taken to flirting with the audience as demonstrated recently in a verbal exchange with a young woman at a public debate.  He even put on his trademark “puppy face”. Oh, the little slag! Suave Nick Clegg keeps working on his eyebrows. I would not be surprised if he and his wife Miriam were secret members of the Saucyful Order of the Eyebrow Fetish, or something like that.

Hands working overtime there on the right

As for the rest, Farage is looking more and more like the bloke who is told the morning after the night before by his female companion: “it’s all right, luv, there’s always a first time, don’t worry”. Or, bearing in mind that his wife is German, that could be: Es gibt immer ein erstes Mal, mach dir keine Sorgen. Nicola Sturgeon has already been cast as the dominatrix, chiefly by the typical, emotionally constipated and sexually self-repressed men who see a woman’s self-assertiveness as a threat to their masculinity… or as a sexual thrill. Just saying. As for Natalie Bennett, Urban Dictionary can picture her having a “brain fade” half-way through an intimate moment with her man and forgetting his name or getting it mixed up.

Maybe you’re wondering about the “urban” bit in this post. After all, tonight’s entry, “election”, affects the whole country, both rural and urban areas. The blog owner’s answer is simple: the “urban” bit is as meaningless as David Cameron’s pledges. After all, Mr “Bloody” Cameron’s government is planning to introduce proposals to cut benefits for the sick, the young, the poor and the disabled if they are given another five-year term. Sorry but no amount of salacious spicing-up will make that bitter pill taste sweet. To swallow or not to swallow, that is the question on the 7^th May.

© 2015

Next Post: “Saturday Evenings: Stay In, Sit Up and Switch On”, to be published on Saturday 9^th May at 6pm (GMT)

Urban Dictionary

Summer stripper (n)

It is a contradiction of which Urban Dictionary is well aware that at the time of writing they are predicting the first snowfall in London. And yet, the phenomenon of the summer stripper is so interesting – in any season – that to ignore it is, in footballing terms, the equivalent of missing an open goal.

The summer stripper is a species that, as the name indicates, comes out as soon as the temperature turns warmer. The “summer” part is a red herring, however. The summer stripper can appear as early as March when spring sends a thousand flowers blossoming. There have been (unconfirmed) sightings of summer strippers in their almost-birthday-suits in January and February on the rare occasions when temperatures have hit double figures.

You always know when you are in the presence of a summer stripper, even when they are fully clothed. It is their ebullient, outgoing, fearless personality. They are one card short of a full exhibitionist deck, minus the psychiatric element and with added eccentricity. The summer stripper is the last person on earth to deny themselves a pleasure, whether it be allowed or restricted. Boundaries – especially those in urban areas – are to be transgressed.

Let us be clear about one key issue: the summer stripper is harmless. Also, his/her act of stripping in public is almost unconscious, although it is widely accepted that there are many examples of narcissistic summer strippers. Of all ages. Let us emphasise that last element. All ages. Summer stripping can be done as young as eighteen and as old as eighty. All the summer stripper needs is a public place in which to display her/his “wares”. This is also important: the summer stripper has an uncanny ability to convey nudity without actually taking all their clothes off. Nearly all, but not all.

The summer stripper’s habitat consists mainly of public places such as local parks (or better known ones like Green Park or Hyde Park in central London), pubs, supermarkets, bus stops and main thoroughfares. Wherever there is a space to be seen in when the temperature hovers in the late teens (it used to be early twenties, but that’s so 2003 now) you’re bound to find a summer stripper. They come in various colours, they do, summer strippers: from milky, Antarctic white to salon-tanned orange. Some summer strippers beef up during the months of December, January and February in the same way hamsters cache their food for winter. By the time they come out in late March, early April, puffed-up, muscled and with bodywork inked down their arms, they are ready to give you a show. Not that you asked for one, but they will still entertain you.

Urban future?

The perennial battle inside the summer stripper is between her/himself and the achievement of a perfect tan without the lines. Hard task to pull off as no matter how skimpy the bikini or minute the trunks are, they still have to keep them on. Or else they are arrested for public indecency. Some people will correct Urban Dictionary and say that the summer stripper’s mere presence in a public place is indecent enough. But as Urban Dictionary averred previously, summer strippers are harmless. You could even claim that the older species is a sort of crusader, raising awareness of the importance of the human body in all its different phases: from the aforementioned washboard tummy to the wrinkly chest. You could perhaps think otherwise: you have seen the older species in a mankini.

As our planet gets warmer and seasons play up (the summer stripper is not specific of just the one country or hemisphere, but she/he has a preference for climates where there are four defined seasons, the better to stand out) Urban Dictionary predicts that the summer stripper will be a more familiar presence. Who knows, maybe in a few years Father Christmas will not be delivering presents wearing a red and white thick coat but a mankini. That is one wager I would be willing to have.

© 2015

Next Post: “Sunday Mornings: Coffee, Reflections and Music”, to be published on Sunday 8^th February at 10am (GMT)

Urban Dictionary

Staycation: (n) a vacation spent at home or near home, doing enjoyable activities or visiting local attractions.

Or what you do when you are skint. A little bit of honesty sometimes will not go amiss. Of course there’s more to “staycation” than finances and luckily, nowadays it’s a choice most of us can make. It’s even been recognised as an official word by the Oxford English Dictionary. So, all those holidays in the Wirral finally paid off.

But going back to choices for a second, I have often been told by people born and raised here in Blighty that many years ago low-income or working class families didn’t have many (choices, that is). Therefore, it was always a few days away in Blackpool in the summer every year. Or a day trip to Frinton- or Southend-on-Sea. Or whatever money allowed. Sometimes not even that. Two or three years would go by before a trip in the old banger was arranged hastily the night before for the morning after.

Blackpool, UK. But would you not rather be in Minorca?

But in recent years, low budget holidays abroad have changed that. Cheap flights, all-inclusive accommodation and a more moneyed (and money-minded) working class have contributed to the exploration of boundaries beyond Dover. Even if this still means some stereotypical British tourists trying to make themselves understood using the old method of SPEAKING IN A VERY LOUD VOICE, PRONOUNCING EACH WORD VERY CAREFULLY. Mind you, at least you lot are better than my lot. Cubans can’t even travel freely. And what to say of the pioneers of staycation, the denizens of the old socialist bloc? Yes, some were allowed to travel from the former Soviet Union to East Germany, for instance (as long as they toed the party line and they were considered to be model citizens), but the landscape in both Moscow and Berlin was coloured by the KGB and the Stasi respectively. Bearing in mind that most eastern European socialist countries were thought as extensions of the Kremlin’s back garden; staycation is an appropriate term to use. So, my dear Brits, please, do carry on ASKING WHERE THE EIFFEL TOWER IS. Clue: it’s right behind you!

This boom in short- and long-haul holidays left the UK tourist industry depending more on tourists trying to catch a glimpse of the Queen or castle-hopping. Suddenly Ayia Napa was far more interesting than Lyme Regis. Until 2008.

With the financial crisis of 2008 many habits changed. Holidays were amongst those activities that underwent a makeover. Because when you think of it, no matter how cheap your flight to Rome is, you still have to find accommodation. Maybe you want to incorporate car-hire, and how about the insurance? Suddenly that hundred quid holiday turns into a thousand –pound one. Compare that to £299 for a two-bedroom cottage in Devon that sleeps four. That’s the annual family summer holiday sorted. Yes, of course, there’s still the petrol to factor in and the catering, but does anyone really include petrol costs in their vacation planning?

Staycation is here to stay, pardon the tautology. I have always been of the opinion that one should (must, even) know one’s country like the back of one’s hand first before venturing out to explore other lands. I, unfortunately, have never been to eastern Cuba and that’s been in my to-do list for many years now for when we go back. As the saying goes, every cloud has a silver lining. Perhaps the economic collapse of 2008 will have inadvertently a positive effect on the younger generation and will awaken their desire to discover the wealth of culture, history and nature the UK has to offer. Who knows? Maybe it will be French-speakers they will come across, asking: OÙ EST LE CHÂTEAU ACTON, S’IL VOUS PLAÎT? Clue: it’s right behind you!

© 2014

Next Post: “Sunday Mornings: Coffee, Reflections and Music”, to be published on Sunday 5^th October at 10am (GMT)

Urban Dictionary

Karl Marx: providing comfort for wanna-be socialists since 1818

Armchair socialist (n)

An urban species ((mainly male, white, middle-class and middle-aged) in danger of extinction but still common enough to be an object of derision and embarrassment for progressives, sorry, of interest for scientists in the field of social psychology.

The armchair socialist is easy to recognise. He – for it is mainly a “he” with whom we are dealing here – usually sports a beard, sandals (Birkenstock used to be his trademark, but nowadays he has branched out into other brands) with white socks and vest/T-shirt/or similar attire. In winter he usually wears dark clothes with no visible labels. Headwear includes berets (à la Che Guevara), wide-brimmed hats or beanies. Although there have been sightings in rural areas, the armchair socialist remains primarily an urban specimen. His habitat, when not sitting in... you guessed it... his armchair, is mainly in demos, sit-ins and protests. He still uses the archaic word “comrade”, which might give an indication as to the time-warp in which this individual operates.

At first sight the armchair socialist could be mistaken for some of the other eccentric creatures that populate these isles. But there is a big difference: celebrating Christmas every day of the year, including the 25^th December, is eccentric. Supporting a socioeconomic system with a political apparatus, which is often totalitarian and despotic, without throwing your lot in with the people who have to withstand said regime, is not. However, no matter how many times one tries to explain this to an armchair socialist, he will bat those questions away with some quote from Marx or similar figure.

Compared to other urban species such as the chronic racist, the faux provocateur and the clownish populist, the armchair socialist poses the least danger to society. After all his ideas about a fair, egalitarian polity where workers own the means of production are ones with which the owner of this blog toyed many years ago in his childhood and early youth. And yet... the armchair socialist’s political position, though not harmful at first, can be as lethal in the long-term as any of the theories promoted by the species mentioned above. Because of his ethnic, social and economic make-up the armchair socialist has, unconsciously or not (and who’s to say he is not aware of his power?) much more leverage than a citizen born and raised in the country on whose behalf the armchair socialist lobbies. To wit, the armchair socialist always has the answers to problems that arise in countries with which he sympathises. Countries that are, it goes without saying, abroad. Some of which the armchair has never even visited, let alone lived in them.

This idealistic trait is not the only dangerous element in the armchair socialist’s persona. A commitment to the “cause” makes him behave in ways that he normally finds repulsive in his enemies, i.e., those who sing the praises of capitalism. For instance, in order to pursue his political agenda the armchair socialist will think nothing of forcing a fellow female comrade to have ALLEGEDLY sexual intercourse with him. As recent cases have demonstrated when it comes to rape, sexual assault and bullying, everything goes. As long as it’s for the “cause”. Even if we still have to use the word ALLEGEDLY when discussing said cases.

Mutations of this species have occurred in the last fifteen, almost twenty years. The anti-capitalist demonstrations in Seattle at the end of the 90s gave us a cadre of disenfranchised and less socialist-minded young people. The Occupy movement a few years ago solidified this trend, based more on the Naomi Kleins of this world than good ol’ Marx. It is true that there was an “I told you so” moment in 2008 after the banking crisis, when the armchair socialist, like a Jehovah witness who has long awaited the end of the world in order to be proved right, thought his time had come. But political apathy and socialism’s own dirty past put paid to that notion.

To the question of whether the armchair socialist will survive as a species the only answer Urban Dictionary can come up with is that it doesn’t know. That is the honest truth. Humans need utopias occasionally, especially when times are hard and socialism is still an attractive option when the chips are down. However, Urban Dictionary has a dream, along the same lines as Martin Luther King’s one. Urban Dictionary has a dream that one day all armchair socialists in the world, especially those who live in Europe and North America, will march in unison to their local travel agency or tour-operator and purchase a one-way ticket to a country like Cuba, North Korea, China, Viet Nam or Venezuela, (any other? Blimey, I didn’t realise our number had shrunk so much). Urban Dictionary has a dream that one day these armchair socialists will arrive at the airports of those countries and upon being asked what the motive for their visit is and why they are travelling with a one-way ticket, they will answer: because I came to stay. I came to throw my lot in with you. I left the comfort of my armchair and came to contribute to the creation of a socialist paradise. Your socialist paradise. It is only fair that a scenario like this unfolds. After all, a typical tropical species (urban and rural) that sprang up in Cuba many decades ago was the dreamy capitalist. In order for the dreamy capitalist to realise their dreams (living in a capitalist society, even if the dream for some turned out to be a nightmare after) he/she had to resort to rather heterodox methods, one of which was to leave the Caribbean island on a makeshift raft. Urban Dictionary will not go that far in regards to armchair socialists and their one-way trip. Some of these guys can’t swim.

Should this dream become reality (and who says it can’t?) Urban Dictionary will mourn the disappearance of this emblematic species from our cities, but at least it will know that it has gone to live a better life on the other side of the world. Maybe, just maybe, then, Urban Dictionary will begin to believe in the armchair socialist’s brand of socialism.

© 2014

Next Post: “Sunday Mornings: Coffee, Reflections and Music”, to be published on Sunday 25^th May at 10am (GMT)

Urban Dictionary

Hipsters' paradise

Hipster (n), chiefly British

An urban species commonly found in the area comprised between Clapton Common Road in E5 and Shoreditch High Street, via Kingsland Road. However, sightings have been confirmed in Brixton. Hipsters’ habitat usually follows this formula run-down area+regeneration=gentrification=loft/basement/warehouse conversion=hipsters. Hence their large numbers in the eastern part of the British capital.

Appearance: There are various guises, but the main uniform consists of rolled-up skinny jeans, V-neck T-shirts or long-sleeved “sailor” tops, or in the case of the female of the species, cardies they tug on endlessly as they sway unconsciously from side to side whilst dropping the word “like” twice or three times per short sentence. In the case of males, a lumberjack shirt in winter and a fully grown beard are commonly found nowadays. An ironic beard. Hipsters are big on irony.

Feeds off: The Next Big Thing. Especially if no one else’s heard about it. Hipsters are big on The Zeitgeist even if they’re not aware it’s a German word or they can’t pronounce it. remember, they are big on irony and Zeitgeistic (or should that be Zeitgeistich?) irony is the best.

Likes: Modernism, post-modernism, punk-post-modernism, retro-counter-culture-punk-alt-post-modernism and art-rock (a tautology, I know, but remember, hipsters are big on irony). When it comes to visuals, the line between porn and art is one that must be crossed, because what is art if it doesn’t provoke? Don’t call them sexists or misogynists, though. Whatever your opinion is about the Japanese picture of the naked woman about to be “raped” by the octopus with the eight penises instead of tentacles, keep it to yourself. The hipster won’t be interested. You, commoner (read below), have failed to see the irony behind the painting.

Dislikes: Common People (no relation to the hit song by Pulp. In fact, Jarvis Cocker’s latest re-incarnation as radio DJ has created a whole new subgroup of hipsters: the Geography teacher look). Hipsters strongly dislike people who like mainstream music, mainstream art exhibitions and mainstream everything. You might as well magic yourself out of the place in which you are if a hipster happens to stroll in. The odds are they will be looking for signs of alien art life so will, like, fail to notice you, commoner.

Speech pattern: Rising intonation at the end of statements, because remember? They do, like, irony? And, you know, dude (Americanisms are limited but they do exist), life, like, kinda sucks, doesn’t it? They also tend to speak slowly. Common words include, like, you know, the usual: so, sorta, kinda, like, cool, massive (usually an elongated sound, as in maaassive). When reverting back to their British accent, hipsters go for an “Inbetweeners” inflection.

Means of transport: Single-speed, fixed-gear bikes, mainly vintage or of a Dutch provenance. What the VW campervan was for hippies, the single-speed bicycle is for hipsters. Occasionally you will see the male of the species sporting a handlebar moustache whilst leaning on his bike. And looking at people walking past in an ironic way. Remember, hipsters are big on irony.

Origin: Obscure, with some sources claiming a direct link to the famous “hepcats” from 40s US, especially New York. But unlike their Lower East Side ancestors, hipsters don’t really do jazz (unless it’s on vinyl), they go more for the likes of Death Cab for Cutie and Arcade Fire, although the latter has fallen out of fashion somewhat in recent years.

Enemies: None recognisable, except that almost every other person in London hates hipsters. Hipsters don’t mind that, though. They see themselves as non-conformist rebels without the whole anarchist mindset. Above all, the more you hate them, the more they feed off that hate and use it as energy to pedal on the streets of the British capital on their single-speed, fixed-gear bikes. All the time, smiling. A wide, ironic smile. Because, like, hipsters are like, so big on irony?

© 2014

Photo taken by the blog author

Next Post: “Sunday Mornings: Coffee, Reflections and Music”, to be published on Sunday 8^th February at 10am (GMT)