Saturday 25 March 2017

Thoughts in Progress

A fellow parent confessed to me recently that she was struggling with her adolescent daughter. Her behaviour was erratic, she had lied on a couple of occasions and she was lagging behind in her exams. All part and parcel of parenting, I thought. Then, she made a comment that left me scratching my head for a nanosecond before realising what she meant: “You see, I don’t want to be like those other parents”. She didn’t point at anyone in particular, there were no other parents around us and she kept her eyes firmly on the ground as she spoke. Whether she was feeling embarrassed or guilty, I don’t know. What I did know was what she meant by “those other parents”.

Retrospective analysis is a powerful tool. Especially for those with no past in the country to which they have relocated. I came to live in London facing the imminent arrival of my son (my wife was heavily pregnant) and an almost-zero knowledge on parenting on arrival. Whatever I had experienced during my previous stay in Londontown (just the one month) was nothing compared to upping sticks and moving here permanently. Talk about challenges! A new culture, new ways of being, expectations (both of myself and of my future home) and a baby craving attention.

A few of the difficulties were overcome pretty soon. I found a job and I got used to the British accent (especially the London twang) almost immediately. It was the parenting bit that took me longer (has taken me longer, I should write). That is why I was able to understand this fellow parent’s concern.

As soon as I settled in London, I, ever the observant, began to listen carefully to what people said and to watch what they did. The outcome of this gave me a powerful insight into the world of parenting in the UK.

Being a parent/carer is not easy. Along with education it is the profession that almost everyone has an opinion on, whether parents themselves or not. Note the use of the word “profession”. Being a parent is a job, just not a paid one. We are raising little human beings with the hope they will become responsible citizens in the future.

What that parent was telling me on that day corroborated the suspicions I had long harboured about parenting in the UK: it is a much divided element of society with a silo mentality that conspires against the very world we want to create for our children.

Let us go back to that parent for a second. What she was confessing to me would not have made anyone bat an eyelid. In fact, we would all have chimed in with our own anecdotes of stroppy teenagers. Yet, the more I scratched the surface, the more I realised she was being snobbish.

Look at the gates of a modern primary or secondary school in Britain and you will be exposed to a modern urban zoo. Whether a comprehensive or an academy, it is the same spectacle: parents forming their own mini-tribes and clans with very strict rules on who is allowed to join in. Forget The Who singing “the kids are alright”. It’s the adults who are screwed up.

Class, I noticed in those early years when my son was in reception, had an overarching, albeit thinly-veiled, influence on parents’ integration into the school community. The scruffy-looking, hair-up-in-a-bun, chain-smoking parent – usually, a mum – was shunned. The 4x4-driving, high-flying, dapper-looking progenitor was welcome. As I mentioned before, this was not openly done. Like a secret language, the way parents interacted with each other was full of codes and signals.

What this other parent really meant when talking to me was that she did not want to be seen as a rubbish parent. After all she did not yell at her daughter on the street. Or, give her fast food for breakfast and dinner. Or, she was not the type who refused to play with her little one, choosing to be on her mobile 24/7 instead. No, she was the other kind: the one who used to take her bairn to the museum, who always took advantage of free drama workshops or who baked cakes together with her daughter.


Let me say something really controversial: there is no such thing as a rubbish parent. There is, however, challenging parenting. How could there not be? You go from thinking mainly of yourself (OK, maybe, the boy/girlfriend, too) to caring for another human being who, in the first years of their life, cannot articulate clearly what their needs are. It is enough to make someone want to blow their brains off. Add ingredients such as class, race, gender and age and public perceptions of them and you have a recipe for disaster. Furthermore, with the government’s latest announcements on the new education policy, there will be even more division in the school community. The proposed return of grammar schools and the expansion of academies will contribute to the entrenchment of privilege. Those parents with greater means will flood the grammar school a mile away, whilst the local comp, unable to compete, will just die a slow death. Guess whose children will attend the former and whose the latter? 4x4 glamour parent’s and chain-smoker’s respectively.

My answer to my fellow parent’s worries was that sometimes we need to get to know the other parent before rushing to judge them on their appearance. An appearance that occasionally includes a sign hanging from their neck with the caption "Please, touch me with a bargepole". By the same token that parenting is hard, it is unfortunately an opportunity to get up on one’s high horse and point our accusing finger to all and sundry. As Philip Larkin said: “They f*** you up, your mum and dad/They may not mean to, but they do”. The trick is in understanding that this is never intentional. Remember: there is no such thing as a rubbish parent. But, boy, is parenting challenging!

As usual, this is my last column before the Easter break. I hope you have a very relaxing time and get to do all the things you have been planning to do but have not found time to. I know I will be doing more cycling around London (if my bike allows me to). I shall return late April. Until then, take care of yourselves.


© 2017

26 comments:

  1. Being a parent is difficult work. Thinking we were not going to be blessed with children, we adopted an older boy whose parents were deceased. The next year our daughter was born. Having a toddler and a teenager at the same time will really wake you up!

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  2. As a non-parent it has always stuck me as very challenging indeed. And never ending.

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  3. I've seen drug-addicted parents who did horrible things to their kids. They were not working class or the working poor, either.

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  4. I have never been a parent but I know that raising children is one of the most difficult, and hopefully rewarding experiences in life.

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  5. Being a mother was the only aspiration I kept as I grew up. I love each of my children fiercely. Most of the time they love me back. As you said it is a hard job to be a parent. You work to instill the values you want them to have. You try to see that they are not harmed. You provide the best education possible. You hope for them to be happy in life. And all the while you are preparing to let them go. That is the hardest part. The rebellions of teenagers are simply them experimenting with being adult even when they are not ready yet. The tightropes parents balance are sometimes difficult but they are so worth the outcome.

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  6. Parenting is not only difficult but endless. Our son is still a challenge and he's 36.

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  7. My view of parenting is a bit warped from having worked in a prison system for a dozen years and often closely with inmates (I still use that word) who committed literally every crime there is to commit, usually under the influence of liquor or drugs. From that experience, I came to believe that no matter how good or how bad a parent might be, just plain dumb luck is part of the equation when raising children and there is no way for a parent to manage/control it.

    Excellent post, CiL ....

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  8. Never judge a book by its cover, that certainly applies to people too.

    I'm guessing you've been a better than average parent, based on what I know about you, via your blog.

    I never had any kids but IMO parenting well, is a real gift. And also, a work in progress.

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  9. In my previous life (that's how it feels now, those years in Child Protection) we thought in terms of 'good-enough parenting'. There's no 'one size fits all' but parents need to be able to meet children's basic needs for safety, food, and someone to love.

    And some simply couldn't, and we had to find somewhere safe for the children to be. The challenge, then, was to help parents to understand that, simply because (often for complex reasons) they couldn't parent their children didn't mean they were bad people. We all have things we're crap at. (Having said that, I struggled to be non-judgemental about a man who held his toddler down to photograph her genitals so he could sell the pictures online.)

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  10. Parenting is certainly challenging, also never-ending. My son is 54 and I still feel required to teach him things.

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  11. Hello Cuban.First.What a nice post today.I enjoyed it very much.Also the good comments replied.I do agree with Fram." came to believe that no matter how good or how bad a parent might be, just plain dumb luck is part of the equation when raising children and there is
    no way for a parent to manage/control it"

    As a nurse i see all kind of stuff.And sometimes we see thing we dont like.So there is a huge space for what we should do..as aways we try to make the surroundings goodfor the parents and children if we see something wrong..(childabuse)Its very difficult.

    For me.Personally.I have been alone with my child always.I find it as the best task i have ever been into.It gives me such happiness I thought never could be.I wish everyone could have it as well.Wish for you a long happy easter with wife and family, Cuban.Thanx for nice reply on my blog.

    Anita

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  12. Parenting is there for a lifetime. Each person can parent in their own way, as long as the kids are happy and healthy, power to them. But yeah, the stupid parents or far worse, need to be fixed.

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  13. This post could not have been written by someone who has experienced severe physical, mental or sexual abuse.
    I could never have written this - I'm glad you could. It's a window into a "normal", not perfect world.

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  14. Snobbery is surely the bane of the English. For some reason I used to think it had disappeared but it has just taken a different form. I wonder if it is the same in other countries - I don't have enough experience to know. Many of the looked-down-upon parents probably feel they are as good as, if not better than those who criticise them. And what's more, they probably are, when it comes to things that matter.

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  15. I'd enjoy your thoughts and observations, as always. I'm not a parent, so I really can't comment about the challenges of having a child. But as I grow older, I look back at how my parents struggled to make me and my three siblings happy. I wish they were here now so I could thank them. Take care! :)

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  16. Hi ACIL - I can believe your thoughts ... not being a parent though, I've never experienced the challenge of kids - a rewarding challenge. We all need to learn to accept people for who they are and help them if we can, or for our own family - give them something they perhaps won't get at home ... eg a visit to an art gallery, or museum ... a day out etc ... London is a wonderful mix of values ... but we somehow need to help others understand that there are others too who live in a different world - we are all human and should be together, helping each other and sharing life. I now do try and look beyond the person as so many have troubling lives and difficult challenges to live with ... take care and I'm sure your kids will be fine and will make the right decisions ... love is all ...cheers Hilary

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  17. Oh, my goodness, I never would have thought of Londoners as having a 'twang'. Texans have a 'twang'. But everyone has an opinion.

    A sister of mine was a parent in London once upon a time. Apparently there was a way of doing it. Quality parenting and non-quality parenting, to be very blunt. It all left me rather mystified.

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  18. Hmm, I think there are rubbish parents, they are those that teach their children to use their elbows (and all the other possible means) to get what they want.
    Your observations are very interesting. The 4x4 drivers sound even more amusing in London than in an Italian village on the hills... where I started my parenting years.

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  19. Parenting, as you say, is a great challenge and a lot of work, marbled with sacrifices, but it's well worth the effort. There is no joy greater than having your children grow up to become amazing adults. (Ask your mother... I bet she can tell you exactly how wonderful that feels.)

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  20. I wish I could say I relate, but only that I respect you for your efforts. Parenting is something I don't believe I will ever experience and I simply am unable to empathize with the challenge. All in all, I think you've got your head on right, though.

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  21. Agreed - parenting is very challenging but oh so worth it!

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  22. Parents to teens, or children is challenging and this is the way of life.

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  23. I think we would all be a lot happier if we were to give parents a break. I think the majority of us do the best we can with the tools we have. Maybe some are better than others at the parenting gig, but I think most try their very best. We need to realize that all children are different and what may work for one won't work for the other. I remember when my son was younger he was pretty strong willed. Some parents said I should spank him, but that really had little to no effect on him. He worked better with time-outs or finding his currency like less screen time. Anyway, I have stopped listening to the voices and listen to what my gut tells me now.

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  24. Te admiro por como criaste a tu hijo en una nueva cultura para ti.

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  25. When I became a parent myself, I was blown away by the realization of how much my own parents loved me, and over the years of raising my children, more than anything else, I have come away with the knowledge that even when their actions failed me, failed who i knew myself to be, their intention was sterling. they did their best. i am one of the lucky ones. and now i do my best, knowing that i may guard against the things that stung me in my own upbringing, but i will be utterly blind to how i have, or will, fail my own children, because they are not me. i hope, one day, they will understand the depth of my good intention toward them. thank you for this thoughtful post.

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