Urban Dictionary

Election (n):         1. the selection of a person or persons for office by vote.
                             2. a public vote upon a proposition submitted.
                             3. the act of electing.

“Election” also rhymes with “erection” as Tom Waits reminds us in Step Right Up (“it gives you an erection, it wins the election”) and if you think Urban Dictionary is going too far it will bring you back to earth with imagery that might spoil your dinner, should you be reading this post whilst having your nosh. This election began as an earnest affair but lately it has descended into a ba(w)d(y) political version of a Carry On movie.  What with the "hung" parliament they keep threatening us with. How "well hung" it will be, it's better not to ponder about. Just think of incumbent Number 10 tenant David Cameron getting hot under the collar a few days ago and dropping a few “bloody this” and “bloody that”. Geezer’s getting excited; maybe he will bring some special “magazines” with him on polling day to keep his energy levels “up” when he goes behind the curtain. Opposition leader, Ed Milliband, has taken to flirting with the audience as demonstrated recently in a verbal exchange with a young woman at a public debate.  He even put on his trademark “puppy face”. Oh, the little slag! Suave Nick Clegg keeps working on his eyebrows. I would not be surprised if he and his wife Miriam were secret members of the Saucyful Order of the Eyebrow Fetish, or something like that.

Hands working overtime there on the right

As for the rest, Farage is looking more and more like the bloke who is told the morning after the night before by his female companion: “it’s all right, luv, there’s always a first time, don’t worry”. Or, bearing in mind that his wife is German, that could be: Es gibt immer ein erstes Mal, mach dir keine Sorgen. Nicola Sturgeon has already been cast as the dominatrix, chiefly by the typical, emotionally constipated and sexually self-repressed men who see a woman’s self-assertiveness as a threat to their masculinity… or as a sexual thrill. Just saying. As for Natalie Bennett, Urban Dictionary can picture her having a “brain fade” half-way through an intimate moment with her man and forgetting his name or getting it mixed up.

Maybe you’re wondering about the “urban” bit in this post. After all, tonight’s entry, “election”, affects the whole country, both rural and urban areas. The blog owner’s answer is simple: the “urban” bit is as meaningless as David Cameron’s pledges. After all, Mr “Bloody” Cameron’s government is planning to introduce proposals to cut benefits for the sick, the young, the poor and the disabled if they are given another five-year term. Sorry but no amount of salacious spicing-up will make that bitter pill taste sweet. To swallow or not to swallow, that is the question on the 7^th May.

© 2015

Next Post: “Saturday Evenings: Stay In, Sit Up and Switch On”, to be published on Saturday 9^th May at 6pm (GMT)