Let's Talk About...

... Vladimir Putin, one of the gayest (in a homosexual sense, although he might also lead a merry life, who knows?) dignitaries of the 21^st century.

It is clear that Putin is in denial. That could go some way to explain all the anti-gay laws recently passed in his backyard, sorry, Russia. It has long been thought that in the privacy of his boudoir, the president lets his imagination run wild and the real Vladimir comes out of... oh, well, there’s no other way of putting it, is there? Comes out of his shell. Apparently one of his minions caught him once clad in Chelsea blue, including Samsung logo stuck on his chest, running around his room pretending to have scored a goal whilst from a nearby stereo a Cockney-accented choir screamed out: Stick Your Blue Flag Up Your A**e! West Ham supporters will recognise this chant as one of the many ways in which they serenade those who swear allegiance to the team based in SW6. It is not known where Putin’s loyalties lie, but what his servant, sorry, minister, did notice was how elated he became on hearing the final three words. The chant was on a loop, his official remembers, and the louder and more climaxing the voices became, the more Putin ran and the higher he jumped. The spectacle was similar to watching a performance of Kamarinskaya, but instead of the full orchestra, the butler, sorry again, the minister had to content himself instead with thousands of Eastenders belting out simultaneously: ...Up Your A**e!

After that Vladimir Putin went for a horse ride shirtless. And had his photo taken, of course.

A gay icon for our times?

Let’s talk about this über-macho of world politics. Putin, the Invincible, Vlad the Impaler (he is probably half-Romanian anyway. There’s probably some hidden great-great-great auntie somewhere along the line), Herr Judoka par excellence. All this points at Homo Super Masculinus, doesn’t it?

And yet...

I sense in Putin a perpetual sense of alienation. A feeling of estrangement from an ever-enclosing reality that refuses to go away. This creates a need that he can’t satisfy because... well, because he is a homo super masculinus and besides, isn’t the other side a gay conspiracy that wants to pervert the minds of the little ones? Aren’t they all paedophiles? But on his own and with Lyudmila at a safe distance, Putin can allow himself to lose that mask. Besides, even he must realise that gay people come in all guises. He, like many others, has probably mistaken “camp” for “homosexual”. Yes, some camp people are gay, but not all gays are camp. That is, I believe, what Vladimir is really afraid of. He is afraid that he might be a “normal” gay. Not a Village People impersonator or a disco fan. But someone who likes to go fishing (I’m sure that's Russian slang for “cruising”) and take his top off. And have more photos taken of his hairless torso.

Let’s talk about Vladimir Putin, probably the gayest politician nowadays. Let’s look beyond his tough-guy image. It’s just a mask. Deep inside, we know who you are, Vlad, and it’s OK, we understand. After all, you don’t even like Pussy... Riot.

© 2014

Next Post: “Sunday Mornings: Coffee, Reflections and Music”, to be published on Sunday 16^th February at 10am (GMT)