Saturday 6 June 2015

Saturday Evenings: Stay In, Sit Up and Switch On

My two children were born in the water. In my son’s case, he was born in hospital but in a purposefully-designed pool. Three years after, my daughter was also born in a pool in the comfort of our council flat up on the fifteenth floor of a high rise.

Why am I telling you all this? Because until my son was born and to a certain extent until my daughter came into this world, I had no idea how incendiary an issue parenting could be.

When my wife was pregnant with our son and she suggested that we check with our local antenatal clinic and our midwife about water births, I had only been in London a few weeks. However, I trusted my other half completely and the idea of a baby floating in the water minutes after it had come out of mummy’s belly was a soothing one. Maybe because of the hospital environment in which we were going to be the issue of the water birth did not raise many questions.

However, when we decided that our daughter’s birth would take place in our flat, there were a few question marks about it. Not from family or friends, they trusted us, but from other parents. It was then I realised that there were certain subjects in life that triggered off unexpected reactions in other people. Even people without children. Education is one, for those of us who work in the field, either as teaching or support staff (I’m the latter). Parenting is the other one. In this case parenting includes pre-natal, post-natal, early years and everything else that comes after.

I wrote “parenting”, but I should have really written “mothering”, for it is women, sadly, who bear the brunt of people’s demented reactions. I confess that just as my wife entered the final third of her pregnancy, I had long talks with her about a Plan B, should the water birth go wrong. Of course, we had a Plan B. We had two very experienced midwives (one of whom I still remember fondly, a no-nonsense Irish woman) and a supportive circle of family and friends. But I remember having troubling thoughts up until the day.

I guess I, too, was influenced by the scaremongering that goes on about pregnancy and childbirth. It is almost sometimes as if people are afraid of women making “the wrong choice”, let alone making a choice to begin with.

Conception happens between two people (we’re still light-years away from human parthenogenesis) but for some reason it is the woman who ends up shouldering most of the responsibility. I do understand why some people might see it as a woman’s issue. Pregnancy takes place in a woman’s body and it is this body that feeds the foetus and keeps it healthy. Nevertheless, the language used in debates about childbirth is often too emotionally charged. The result is less a conversation and more a finger-pointing exercise.


Childbirth: how to go about it is still a woman's choice

One of the reasons for this is that human birth, to me at least, still holds us in thrall. Just a few days ago I was discussing this very subject with some parents in my school. We have had a few births recently and yours truly never ceases to be amazed at the wonder of nature in producing new human beings. However, I would be loath to elevate motherhood to some kind of Mother Teresa category with a halo around it. It is what happens on a daily basis around the world. You get pregnant, the baby grows inside, you pop it out and you raise it together with whomever you want. Or on your own; it is your choice after all. The irony here is that parenthood has become more accessible nowadays with methods like IVF featuring more prominently. But own up to having had a c-section performed to save the baby and you will still be dragged to the altar of Mother Teresa and questions will be asked. No wonder that many parents, mothers above all, become depressed following the birth of their children.

Looking back at that conversation I mentioned before with those parents (mums all of them, by the way. Funny that, I very rarely discuss pregnancy with men at work) I realised that not one of them was being judgemental when they gave their opinions. Which in a way made me think that hopefully we are moving towards a world that will be more accepting of pregnant women’s choices. A world in which the use of pain relief during labour or filling up a pool on the fifteenth floor of a high rise for a water birth will raise no eyebrows. At the end of the day what really matters is the human being we are bringing into this world and the people behind such wonderful miracle.



© 2015


Next Post: “Urban Dictionary”, to be published on Wednesday 10th June at 6pm (GMT)

20 comments:

  1. Absolutely remarkable how many women (particularly women) and so many professionals of both sexes seem so opinionated on what is good or not for a baby, or a new mother, or childbirth. I know many women who find the whole thing absolutely infuriating.

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  2. thoughtful!



    ALOHA from Honolulu,
    ComfortSpiral
    =^..^=

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  3. Pues aunque no he pasado por ello creo que es una decisión que en cierto modo incumbe a los dos.
    Un feliz fin de semana.

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  4. My charitable self says that it is because children are so important that everyone has an opinion. My more realistic self wishes that people would keep theirs to themselves unless and until they are asked.

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  5. water birth sounds like a wonderful thing to me :)

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  6. Hey Cubano--a super interesting post. I know that in the UK they are now recommending home births. I have mixed feelings. My second child was born very quickly but the first was really quite difficult --a forty hour labor--in which I almost had an emergency C-section. Probably didn't because I had mid-wives even though in a hospital. Though of course this was a long time ago--that hospital no longer even exists! Anyway, I think the point is for people not to hold too tightly to a fixed idea of something--the actual birthing process is not really something to be dogmatic about either way--it is a very serious thing--if someone can manage at home--how lovely-- and hospitals are certainly fraught too.

    PS - I love to swim! k.

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  7. Ugg, getting bombarded every which way by people, even idiots without kids, would just be so annoying.

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  8. This is one topic I have no thoughts about beyond believing that unless extraordinary circumstances are part of the equation, all decisions should be left to the woman giving birth and to the medical professionals she wishes to be involved.

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  9. I have heard of water birth before and find it amazing.

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  11. Fascinating post. I had never heard of water births or having a child at home. But then I'm not a parent.) And you're so right--all that matters is bringing new life into this world.

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  12. Great post - one of my sons-in-law 'gets it' but so many men don't. He kept telling me how proud he was of my daughter when the baby arrived, and understood that the best thing he could do for those first few weeks was to look after her so she could look after the baby. (And the baby was born in water!)

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  13. i wanted to have a water birth with my third child as well but arrived just in time at the hospital - so there was no time any more...ha

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  14. Water births were unheard of in my day but I think if I had my time over I might like it. Giving birth is a wonderful thing and women should choose whichever method she feels comfortable with. I am in two minds about home births which is the current thinking. It's great providing nothing goes wrong.

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  15. So beautifully put. I had two friends who couldn't nurse. One couldn't...something was wrong and she wasn't producing enough milk. Her daughter was being malnourished. Another friend cried every time she tried because it was just too painful. In both cases, they were ordered by doctors to stop and in both cases, they were given grief by other mothers. "It's too bad. That's such an important bonding experience." "Oh, you really have to breastfeed...your baby won't get the protection he/she needs if you don't." It appalled me that people were saying these things. In the first case, the baby would DIE if the mom kept nursing. In the second, the mom was anguished every time she nursed and it was causing major stress for the baby. That was my first introduction into just how crazy moms are. Everyone seems to think they know everything.

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  16. I came across this last weekend. My niece had elective c section and was being judged by older family members about it. Why are people so judgmental?

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  17. Well, truthfully I have never heard of water births. I will have to ask around and see if they are an option at all here. I noticed that Claudia also had been thinking about it, so they must be available in that part of the world. Smiles. One thing I heard recently I had never heard of before, and that is mothers, after childbirth, saving the placenta and eating it afterwards in some way. Those who do this claim it has some health benefits. I agree one should not be judgmental about one another's choices, whatever they are. An interesting post!

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  18. I would have loved to have experienced a water birth, but both of my babies were born by caesarian section - out of necessity, as my pelvis was too small for a natural birth! :/
    Still...at least they were pain free (and I am a real coward when it comes to pain!!);)

    Greetings from sunny Warwickshire.:))

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  19. Wonderful commentary Cubano. I went through the exact same thing. We considered waterbirth at home but the panic from our families made us do our second choice, a birthing center with a birthing chair instead of a nonsensical bed. There is still a lot of judgement around parenting and mothering depending on the exposure of the people around you. I had a smooth, 5 hour birth and a calm baby who was welcomed with the sounds of Miriam Makeba and soft candlelight. Very few of my friends chose that route and it was because of the fear. I have learned not to discuss topics that I know will cause judgement and follow my own guidance.

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  20. Many thanks for your kind comments. It is nice to see that there are many like-minded people out there when it comes to discussing parenthood. :-)

    Greetings from London.

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